May 1, 2012

Restlessness & writing

It may not seem like it, but living in Alabama right now is a major blessing to our family because of what it means for my husbands career.  It's incredibly temporary and if I do complain about it, it's not a real issue.  I'm a very flexible, optimistic person; you have to be, in a military family.  
We're together = we're happy.

You always have to find the silver lining.
Even though I had to put my formal education on hiatus to come here, it has turned out to be a very lucrative environment for me. Not being swamped with school work and the hustle/bustle of the city has given me more time than I've had in a long time to do my own writing.  There is a peacefulness here that allows me time to think without distraction.  Time to make plans for what I want for myself and what we want for our family.  

And yet...
I miss the classroom like crazy.
I feel like it's all fading and I might be losing everything I've learned. 
So I just keep writing...

But still, I get so restless.  I keep telling myself, I have time. I have time.  
I will use this year to have fun with it.
No pressure, no expectations.  There is no hurry.  
But I still get so damn restless.  

I am constantly bugging my husband...
"When will we find out our next duty station?"
 "Where do you think we're going next?  Is there a college there?"

I came so close to finishing my degree and I voluntarily walked away knowing that I would go back.  Actually, I stopped going because I had Jude while Jeremy was deployed, but that's a decision I would make the same way a million times over if I had to.  My children needed me, and they always come first.
No regrets. At all.

I can be so hard on myself.  I blame myself for wasting time, when I know that time spent being a mother is anything but wasted.  

I have to just let myself relax and just accept that for now, I have this short time to focus on myself, my goals, my family, our future.  

I drive myself crazy.

{deep breath}


Thanks for sticking through that, if you did.
I rambled a bit, didn't I?

Do you ever feel this way?
Like you can't relax when you know you should?

-Jessica

15 comments:

Katie Price said...

I don't have babies, but I definitely feel this way sometimes. It was really hard for me to justify not working full-time when we moved. Now, I look back & wish I had just enjoyed the year off, and didn't rush to take online classes. There is no rush.. school will always be there, wherever you are.

Erinn said...

When I found out I got into the dance company I auditioned for, I realized that all the goals I had written for this year had happen. Well, the big ones anyways : Be teaching at a studio, Get into a performing company and be covering my student loans each month with some dollars to spare. And yet, I am always looking ahead to my Master's in Fine Arts. I miss school SO MUCH somedays that I do my husband's math homework just to get a fix. As long as you have no regrets and know that school will more then likely always be there for you...chilling out is ok. But if you're anything like me...next to impossible :P

Olivia Grace said...

Such a great post, I can relate completely. I had planned to have my master's by now, it was a goal set in stone. But, after we had Brees, I decided to put school on hold and just focus on being a mama. I've put my career first way too many times and, for now, it's about my family. It's so hard to have everything we want and to just be happy with the here and now.
BTW, I'm on the second book of the Fifty Shades series: WOW!! What an awesome set of books, right?!!

Liz Kantner said...

Two things! First, Jack White's new album is GOOD! I'm writing a more in depth review now. It wasn't really on my radar until this week!

Also, this is a great post! I can't imagine having to move around so much. My boyfriend moved to Colorado a couple of months ago and I'm moving out there - the thought is terrifying! I'm leaving my job for him. Hopefully I will find something similar, but if I don't, like you, I'm afraid I will miss it a lot!

Jessica Millis said...

Such a poignant poem - the message is simple - it's all about being in the twilight of your life and finding the simple pleasures in life - not wanting too much and just looking back on all the things you needed and missed and smiling at them. essaymama service

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